My story

I started writing a book a while back about some of my dating experiences from college, put in the form of a novel. Since it kept giving me nightmares, I decided to stop, but I thought it would be fun to share with you guys. I think it kind of starts sputtering in the end, and I never spent much time to fix it. Ah, well. Here it is:

Chapter 1

Madison Lee in Search of a Man

How did this happen to me? I ask myself as a small part of my brain calmly analyzes my situation. How did I get here? The rest of my brain is in massive panic mode as my wildly flailing body careens down a very steep hill on fairly new Rollerblades. How did I get here? Well, I'll tell you. It's all in pursuit of a husband. Grace? Dignity? Long gone. Haven't seen them for years; ever since I started looking for a man.

Well, my name is Madison Lee Purvis, and I guess this all really began my first year at Ricks, before they changed the name. (I know, that makes me really old.) Well, I had never had a serious boyfriend in high school, seeing as how every male in my school was either a mutant or, well, that was it. They were all mutants. So, when I arrived and saw this entire city swarming with eligible and potentially temple-worthy guys, I was like a starving woman in a pool of Jell-o. I didn't know which flavor to slurp up first, but I knew I was hungry. Within days, I had a few boys ask me out and I figured that this was just the way it was here: Heaven. Well, Heaven is in the eye of the beholder, that's for sure.

Geran was first. When I walked up to my dorm after exploring the campus, I noticed a boy riding his skateboard down the side-walk nearby. Glancing up, he shot a flirtatious grin my way and smoothly readjusted his direction to intercept with me. “Hey, I'm Geran. Is your dad a thief? 'Cause he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.” Though I was inwardly gagging at the obvious pick-up line, he was pretty decent in the looks department, and I've always been a girl to appreciate a compliment. Being the sheltered, mutant-surrounded youth I was, this was the best I'd seen in a while and decided to give him a chance.

“Very funny. Actually my dad is an overly-protective hunter and likes to keep his dear safe. Want to meet him?” I joked back. Not wanting to waste a potential catch, but still needing to get things done, I invited him to accompany me as I walked to the grocery store. Romantic? No; but safe and I needed to stock up on Ramen Noodles. It was on this lovely escapade where I quickly unearthed Geran's personality. The millisecond we left my apartment, an unending stream of marital gibberish came gushing out of his mouth. I could barely get a thought in edgewise.

“So, do you believe in love at first sight? How long do you think people should date before they get married? My great Aunt Marcy married her husband after a week and a half and they were together sixty-two years. Then, my sister got married after two weeks, but they got a divorce. Her next husband lasted a lot longer. You know, I think that I feel unconditional love for you, and I hardly even know you.”

It's going to STAY that way, buddy! I thought, my amazement peaking as his monologue continued and my pace quickened. By the time we got halfway to the store, my anxiety levels were spiking and my brain was screaming something along the lines of, Get me out of here! This guy belongs in my high school! I was checking out bridges we crossed, trying to measure how badly I would be hurt if I leaped it into the river. A few times, I thought the cars were going slowly enough to where I would only sustain a minor injury when I jumped in front of them, but then we arrived at the store. I have never shopped so fast in my life. Luckily, my “Mm-hmm” answers were sufficient for him when he did pause for a breath. Leaving the store, I power-walked as I had never power-walked before. Soon, Geran's monologue was punctuated with gasps for air and I figured he was regretting leaving his skateboard in my living room. I took this choice opportunity to ponder upon how that speed-walking P.E. class I took in high school was actually good for something other than avoiding the dreaded mile-run.

“Well, thanks for coming shopping with me!” I panted as we reached my apartment. I burst through the door, dropped my groceries, whipped the skateboard out from under my roommate, who had been playing with it, and thrust it into his arms. “I'm late for my nap. See you around, Geran!” and I ushered him out the door, locking it behind him.

“No. Don't tell me you went grocery shopping with Geran!” cackled Janna from the floor, where she was still sprawled after having the board ripped out from under her feet. “That guy is so marriage-hungry, it's insane! He's not even a student. He just knows that there is new blood in the summer term when the parents are dropping off their freshmen.” She groaned sympathetically. “Was it awful?”

“You have no idea.” I flopped into the loveseat, wiping my dripping face. “I don't think I have ever walked so fast in my life. By the way, how big of a sin do you think it is to jump off a bridge in the hopes that you only get a little hurt? I need to know for next time this situation arises.”

Janna collapsed into giggles, weakly pointing at me as she rolled on the floor.

“Hey! It's not that funny!” I protested, grinning in spite of myself. “I'm just hoping that I didn't 'Mm-hmm myself into an engagement. I tried to tune him out after he asked me if anyone had ever proposed to me on a first date.” She burst into renewed fits of giggles as she got up to help me unload my groceries. Five minutes and half a cupboard later, I stared ruefully at the neat stacks of Ramen.

“I need some ice cream.”

“But you just went to the store! Why didn't you get some?”

“I was kind of in a hurry. Oh, no!” I dove to the floor, yanking Janna down with me as a shadow whisked past our window. “I think he's still here!”

“Ooo! I think I hear a skateboard! Ah! It stopped!” snickered Janna.

“Closer to the wall! He's looking in the window! What are we going to do? I really need ice cream!”

Rolling her eyes in exasperation, Janna sat up against the wall. “Ice cream?”

“Yes. I think it's an emergency. Ironically, I think I'm supposed to buy you ice cream if I ever kiss a guy, but I really don't think that's going to happen today, and I just can't wait until it does for my sugar rush.”

“Okay,” she whispered, pausing to size me up. “Here's the plan. I've been in this dorm room for two semesters, and there's this one little trick...”

Do you know how long it can take to sneak across the room while using a couch cushion as a moving shield? Neither do I. I couldn't see the clock. But, it felt like eternity. Back in our room, Janna softly closed the door and pulled me over to the window.

“Now, we are very, very lucky. Our apartment is the only one in the whole dorm with a removable window screen. Don't ask me how it happened. I inherited it this way.” As I lifted an eyebrow in disbelief, she protested, “Really! I did!” and grinned mischievously.

I was very grateful for a ground floor apartment as we shimmied out of the window and into the bushes. We snuck around the building, still sandwiched between the wall and the shrubbery, which was becoming increasingly more prickly, and peered around the corner.

“Is he gone?” I whispered horsely, brushing a poky bristle out of my ear.

“I think so. Wait! I think I hear wheels!” Janna clapped her hands over her mouth to stifle her renewed snickers. “Okay,” she squeaked around her hands, “he's turning around...he's going the other way! Run for it!”

We tore across the parking lot and dove behind the last row of cars until his next pass.

“How long do you think he is going to skate back and forth in front of our door? How are we going to get back in?”

“Have you met our FHE brothers yet? They'll protect us!” I could tell Janna was getting a kick out of this, but I was a little confused.

“FHE brothers?”

“Yeah, every Monday night we meet with an apartment of boys and have Family Home Evening together, you know, since we don't have any family around. Besides, some of them are really cute. Maybe you'll earn that ice cream yet!” And elbowing me, she jumped up and raced around the corner with me hot on her heals.

Chapter 2

And Then There Was Joe

No one was home at our FHE brothers' apartment, so we decided to take advantage of our self-induced exile and go man-hunting. Since the semester wasn't going to start for another three days, there were plenty of them hanging around outside apartments. It was just like a potluck. If you want a different dish, just go to a different table; everything is delicious, you just have to get there before it's on someone else's plate! Outside Harmony House, we spotted one especially fine looking dish and we sidled up to their group to joke around. Pretty soon, the pick-up lines were flying.

Fine Dish walked up to me (man, he had a beautiful walk!) and said. “Hey, have you ever had a Lollipop kiss?”

Blushing, I shook my head, every cool comment I could ever have muttered abandoning me at this crucial moment.

He came very close to me; so close I could smell his very yummy cologne. I grew a bit alarmed as his very nice, yet previously unknown lips came nearer and nearer my own. My heart began hammering in my chest and my face burned as hot as it possibly could without bursting into flames. At the last possible second, he brushed past my lips and whispered in my ear, “Sucker” and then pulled away, laughing and elbowing his friends.

“Oh, heh, heh,” I laughed weakly, as my pulse slowly returned to normal. “Lollipop kiss. I get it. Heh-heh.” My voice seemed to have gone up several octaves in the last thirty seconds and I cleared my throat hastily.

“Okay, I've got one for you,” I said, trying to pretend like his pick-up line hadn't just rocked my world. “What was your name?”

“Joe.”

“Joe, hold out your arms, hands together, palms up.” I pull his arms up and arrange them properly, thrilling at the muscles on his forearms. Okay, I've got this little weakness for forearms.

I flash him the most innocent look I have, peering up at him through my lashes. “There was once two little turtles,” I began, “one lived on this island,” I wiggle two of my fingers on one of his hands, “and one lived on the other island,“ I wiggle fingers from my other hand on his other one. “Every day the two turtles would come to the edge of the island and play together.” I walk the fingers from both hands across his, noticing that he had very manly callouses, and pretend to have them play together. “But one day, the islands split apart!” I open his hands with mine. “The turtles went the edges of their islands, but couldn't find their friend. So, they started walking, and walking...” each of my hands is walking up those delicious forearms, “and walking, and...” I wrap my arms around his neck, “forget the turtles!”

He laughs as I pull back (I am astounded at my own bravery for doing it in the first place), and I gaze up into startlingly blue eyes and lovely straight teeth. “That's a pretty good one! Got any more?”

“I heard a pretty cheesy one earlier today,” and I tell him about my disastrous afternoon with Geran.

“Well,” he said, touching my arm; my intestines jumped as his hand brushed mine, “if you need someone to walk you home, I'd be happy to.”

I'd like to say that I smiled serenely and thanked him, and that's the way I've tried to remember it, but I'm afraid I turned to Janna and we both burst into giggles. I know. I'm so dignified.

For the next few hours we joked around, tried out some new swing moves and flirted outrageously. As the afternoon wore on, I found him more and more frequently wrapping an arm around my waist or shoulders, holding my hand, and stroking my arm. Though I found him extremely attractive, it surprised me that I was growing more and more uneasy with how comfortable he felt with me. This was especially true after Janna mentioned that we had been on our way to buy ice cream and Joe replied, “Ice cream, Maddy Lee? Who have you been kissing? Want to buy a couple of pints?” and leered suggestively at me. In spite of my protests that I was buying completely innocent ice cream, he continued to mention it frequently with ever-increasing suggestions that he help me earn it.

Finally, I grabbed Janna's arm and, grinning rather automatically, said goodnight and headed home. Joe jogged up to us halfway across the parking lot.

“Are you sure you don't want me to walk you home; you know, to keep you safe from that skateboard guy?”

“Um, no thanks, Joe. Look, I'll see you around, okay?” and we scooted off.

“Now that was absolutely no fair at all.” I protested as we made our way back home, ice cream completely forgotten.

“What? That a cute guy totally picked up on you?” Janna replied, rolling her eyes.

“No! That he was really an octopus-type mutant, disguised as a non-mutant!” Janna burst out laughing. “No, really! All the guys here were supposed to be perfect and nice and good! I was sure that this school at least was a Mutant-Free Zone!”

Wiping her eyes, Janna said, “Maddy Lee, there is one thing you've just got to understand from the get-go. There are no mutant-free zones. None. Wherever there are men, there are mutants.” And giggling madly, she pranced off toward home, which was luckily (and temporarily) Geran-free.

We spent the rest of the evening reveling in the very safe girliness of roommates, playing cards with some of our neighbors who had dropped in. Luckily, some of them had ice cream (her date the night before had been eventful, apparently), and we whipped up some Ramen-ghetti to share using my noodles and Janna's spaghetti sauce. Only twice did we have to muffle our conversation as the sound of a skateboard passed by.

Chapter 3

Jeremy Throws the Curve

Sunday came around, and all of us roomies were in a frenzy to give a good first impression at church. Perhaps this wasn't what we were supposed to be doing, but alas, the prospect of new boys has a tendency to skew priorities. Waking up extra early to try to beat the others to the shower left all of us in a line outside the bathroom door, dozing on the floor using our towels as pillows. Finally, we all got sufficiently dolled up, after swapping outfits at least fifteen times, and headed out the door. It was a gorgeous day, which, in retrospect, I saw must have been an omen of what was to come; this was a day for love.

As church went on, a freshly returned missionary stood up to speak. He had been on a Spanish-speaking mission, which was the language I had studied in high school and found extremely attractive. My pulse quickened at his obvious spirituality and I almost fainted when he bore his testimony in Spanish.

“Does a man get any more perfect?” I whispered to Janna, who was checking out another possible candidate two rows over.

“Oh, Jeremy? He's really sweet and very funny. You should hear him sing! I think he's going to try out for the big show choir here. I bet he'll make it too.”

“Really? I was in show choir all through Junior High and High School. Maybe I should look into the music program here.” especially if it's made up of lovely creatures like Jeremy, I add to myself.

After the meeting, Janna grabs my arm and makes an embarrassing beeline for my Mr. Perfect. “Hey, Jeremy! This is Maddy Lee, my roommate from Washington. She was wondering if you wanted to come over for lunch after church. See ya!” And she flounced off, flashing an evil grin back at me as she headed for her new conquest. Of course, by this time I am completely flustered, red-faced and gaping. Luckily, Jeremy is charming in addition to his other perfections.

“Hi there, Maddy Lee was it? Do you mind if I do join you for lunch? I could run home and whip up a salad. You're in Dorm 2, right?”

“If you don't mind Ramen-ghetti. I'm afraid that's my only specialty right now.” I reply shyly.

“Ramen-ghetti happens to be my personal favorite.” he answers in mock seriousness, and suddenly everything is okay. We walk together to Sunday School and he tells me a little bit about himself. I soak up every word, dreaming of the romantic lunch we could have together while sharing deep, personal insight into the scriptures, and analyzing the latest Conference talks. By the time Relief Society was over, I was just trying to figure out what we would name our children when he appeared and confirmed our plans.

“Okay, I'll see you in half an hour, right?” he says.

“We'll be ready!” and we parted ways. Then, it really set in.

“Janna! Becky! Heidi! Roommate huddle!” and they all gathered in. “Girls! Our place is a disaster! Jeremy Jr. will never make an appearance if his father is grossed out by our apartment. We've got some serious work to do. We'll have to divide and conquer.”

“Don't worry, Maddy Lee.” Janna reassured me. “We've all got a boy coming for lunch. We're motivated.” and we all haul tail up to our place to make it appear as if we are Miss Suzie Homemakers.

This put a different spin on the afternoon though. Hmmm. I thought to myself. How are we going to have an intimate little talk if we are in a huge crowd? Then, the positive side came out of it. I would get to see how he reacted to other guys and would be safe in the odd possibility that he was Geran-like. All in all, this was a good plan.

It turned out to be delightful. Though he was the last to arrive, he arrived in style with a huge, beautiful salad.

“Wow! Did you make that by yourself? That would have taken me all day!” I schmoozed.

“Ah, but I have a confession to make,” he said, covering his eyes and dropping his head in feigned embarrassment. “I live with my parents and my mom made it for me.”

We got a good laugh out of that and spent the meal in good-natured teasing. He was just so open and considerate that I felt myself going all dreamy again and had to drag myself back to the present when I realized he was talking to me.

“Oh, I'm sorry. What was that?”

“I asked if you are doing anything this next weekend. My cousin and I have something fun planned and we've been looking for some fun girls to take. Would you like to come?”

ARE YOU KIDDING?! I screamed in my head.

“Sure! I'd love to!” I replied, smiling shyly once again. “What's the plan?”

“Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it?” he grinned at me. “Just bring your swimsuit because you might need it.” And on that enigmatic note, he said goodbye.

I have no idea how I got through my first week of classes. Now, usually I am a pretty darn fast reader, but I found that I was having difficulty reading the plays for my drama class. For some reason, I would start a chapter, and then come to myself an hour later with a dreamy smile on my face, while not one page would have been turned.

Finally, Saturday came and I got my first real experience with the very weird Rexburg weather. It dawned beautifully. I know because I was up early doing my hair and makeup, giving myself an extra layer of waterproof mascara just in case. After three hours of pacing the livingroom, attempting to read a play, practicing headstands, and trying to do the splits, I couldn't take it anymore and woke up Janna.

“You've just got to wake up! I can't take the suspense anymore!” I moaned as I plopped on the foot of the bed.

“Wha-a-at?” she yawned. “What time is it? When are they coming?”

“It's nine o'clock. He'll be here in only two hours!! Wait, did you say 'they'? Whose they?”

“Yeah, they. Didn't Jeremy tell you?” she murmured, stuffing her face back into her pillow.

“Tell me what?” I exclaimed in exasperation, pulling it out from under her and whapping her over the head with it..

“Oh, sorry. I'm his cousin's date. He's a sweet guy; very accomplished.” she replied, sitting up suddenly as if something had just occurred to her. “Man, we scored ourselves some R.M.'s really early in the year. We're in the major leagues now. No more preemies for me!”

“Are you still asleep? I don't think you're even speaking English. What are you talking about?” I asked, completely mystified.

“R.M.'s: you know; Returned Missionary. Someone eligible for marriage. Not like preemies; Pre-Missionaries. You'll get to where you can spot them from a mile away. They're the ones who are still socially whacked out.”