Out Loud

(Please pardon my statue's nudiness!)
Going through this experience with Michael, I have learned more about mourning.  It seems to be a different experience with each person.  Some people like to talk about their personal experiences with their sorrow, needing to express verbally their times of deep sadness.  Others bottle it and don't talk about it at all, or try to avoid the fact that something very sad happened; they grieve in small pieces, taking a little out and examining it when they are ready.  Some let it bury them for a time, like a blanket to hide under until the darkness isn't so heavy.  (My oldest sister sent me a huge, fuzzy blanket that I use as my actual mourning blanket for when I need to hide.)  I think what most people do is a combination of all of these.  I've found that it comes in waves; there will be days of such heavy sorrow that I cannot bear that he is gone and that his family is alone without him.  These are blanket days.  Other days, I feel so optimistic, full of love and peace, knowing that the world is in the Lord's hands and that this was something that was supposed to happen.  My sister brought a book called Tear Soup over to my house soon after Michael passed away that talks about how each individual grieves in a unique way and how it is a process that takes time and can only be made by the one who is mourning.  I think about it often.  That, as well as some experiences I have had since then, has brought me more comfort that I can express. 


One thing that has really helped though, probably the most, has been reading the blog of his sweet, sweet wife.  (Her blog is here.)  In her mourning out loud, she has comforted so many people.  I know that I have sat here in front of the computer at night, sobbing my heart out over some of her entries, but it helps to be able to do this.  It helps to know that he was so desperately loved while he was on this earth, that the time he had here was so valued and so full of joy.  It helps me to mourn with her, even if it is from a distance.  I think it also helps me because I am not one who mourns out loud very often.  It's like she is giving voice to all the grief I feel as well, even though I know it must be so much more intense as a wife than as a sister.  I love her for giving such precious, painful gift to me and others like me who are hurting from this loss.