Pregnancy is Like Death

While I think that is a snappy title, there is a lot of truth to it.  I tried to express this sentiment on Sunday, but I'm pretty sure it didn't come out quite the way I was intending.  (o:  Here are my thoughts:

A few months ago, we were studying New Jerusalem in Sunday School.  As we read about how wonderful, peaceful and safe it is going to be, I found myself growing more and more upset.  After about 15 minutes, I was positively ticked.  I started crying and needed to leave the room to calm down.  This was such a violent reaction for me, and so out of character, that I've been trying to analyze it ever since.  Here is what I came up with.  I felt like it was just plain mean to swing this carrot in front of our noses when it could be a REALLY long time before any of that wonderful stuff ever actually happens; until I can let my kids play outside without worrying that they will be hit by a car or get kidnapped; until I can see my brother walking down the street, just to hang out; until there is actual peace without the constant need to protect my family, or at least the need to think about how I would protect my family if they were threatened.  During that class, I turned to my friend to express my feelings about how I didn't think it was nice to tell us about these things if we may not even live to see them.  She, in her sweet, calm wisdom, said, "But now, we can teach our children; and they might."  Later, I expressed my same concerns to my mother who told me that New Jerusalem was a light at the end of the tunnel, and that it was important that we know that it is there.  These helped a little, but nothing really clicked until last Sunday.

I was sitting in Fast and Testimony meeting, which usually, I must confess, is pretty boring for me.  As one of the bishopric bore his testimony though, an idea sprang to my mind and it was like my whole being gasped in recognition.  Now, for a little background, I am about 8 1/2 months pregnant, and finally feel like I'm actually going to have a baby; not just be sick and miserable for the rest of my life.  The thought that came to me was that the whole idea of New Jerusalem, even of life after death in Heaven, is just like pregnancy.  With pregnancy, while you are in the trenches so to speak, it really feels like the misery is going to go on forever.  I know that I feel exhausted 95% of the time, sick 95% of the time, and in pain 98% of the time.  There are those few moments of pure joy when you feel that sweet baby kicking around, but even that can be painful.  The only thing that makes it worth going through this small eternity of pregnancy is that light at the end of the tunnel; the knowledge that you are going to get something sweet, perfect, and irreplaceable from the experience.

The last two and a half years have felt like this to me.  While we were in North Bend, everything was good.  Then, when my husband got a really great job, it felt like we were about to be handed the world.  We would finally, after 9 years of constant moving and scraping by, be able to have our own home, live a comfortable lifestyle, and settle down.  This was the dream we had been working so hard for.  The day before we closed on our new, perfect home, three days before we were scheduled to move, my husband lost his job.  I had never felt so devastated.  It was a complete rug-being-pulled-out-from-under-your-feet moment.  So, instead of moving into this dream, we moved in with my parents.  Eventually, we did get our own home, and we loved it.  But, then, my brother died.  I have always been the kind of person who bounces back pretty fast after adversity; the flower that springs back up after it has been stepped on.  But, these two things were like the heel that ground my flower to smashed bits into the sidewalk.  I couldn't recover.  But, the thought that came to me as I was sitting in that pew was that we go through all of this; all the terrible pain, the exhaustion, the fear, the disappointment because it is the only way to get that something sweet, perfect and irreplaceable; the reward for enduring through all of this.  That is why we need to know about New Jerusalem, about Heaven and how wonderful it is going to be; so that when we are smashed to the ground and don't feel like we can get up again, we can look forward to that bright, shining moment in the future when we won't feel like this anymore.